How to Decide if Collaborative Divorce is Right for You

As described in the article on Collaborative Divorce basics, one of the primary benefits of the Collaborative Divorce process is its client focus. The Collaborative Divorce process allows a separating couple to define the goals for their divorce and, if they have children, their post-divorce co-parenting relationship. Together with input from trained Collaborative Divorce practitioners, clients decide if the process is the right vehicle for them to achieve their divorce goals. It is the clients who are responsible for the decision-making regarding their final settlement. It is the responsibility of the professional team to maintain the integrity of the Collaborative Divorce Process, so that clients can achieve their ultimate objective - a healthier divorce.Collaborative law empowers spouses to dissolve their marriage with dignity

For the Collaborative Divorce process to succeed, both spouses must be willing to:

• Act like adults throughout the process

• Behave in a respectful, ethical manner to each other in working out the terms of their divorce

• Reach a negotiated solution that meets each spouse’s needs now and in the future

• Commit their energy toward creative problem solving rather than finger-pointing or scheming.

• Believe it is important to protect their children from the harm a protracted litigation process can cause

• Place a high value on personal responsibility in resolving conflict

• Be able to focus on a positive solution that will benefit the entire family

• Preserve a respectful working relationship during and after the process is over

• See the need to disclose full and accurate information about financial issues

Factors Affecting the Success and Failure of the Collaborative Divorce Process

If you're trying to decide whether the Collaborative Divorce process is right for you, take a look at the factors which contribute to the success or failure of the Collaborative Divorce process. These will help you determine whether the process might be right for you and your spouse.

1. Emotional Resilience

One of the important predictors of an individual’s ability to successfully engage in the Collaborative  Divorce process is their “emotional resilience.” Here are some questions to help you gauge the level of emotional resilience in both yourself and your spouse.

• What is your and your spouse’s level of emotional pain?
• Is the emotional upset chronic or acute? (e.g. is the depression only since the separation or is there a longstanding history of depression?)
• How long has the emotional upset lasted?
• Do both you and your spouse have access to an external support system?
• How strong are your available external support systems?
• What kind of inner resources do you and your spouse have to rely on?
• What is the psychological history of both you and your spouse?
• Do you and your spouse have internal personal strength when the going gets tough?
• How do you or your spouse behave when you are met with frustrating events?

If you and your spouse have relatively weak emotional resilience, it is important that you each make sure you have strong support in the form of friends, family, a divorce coach, and / or a therapist. You both need to understand what issues act as your “trigger points” and be able to develop specific strategies to deal with them. You need to understand your limitations and find strategies to work around them. Try to understand your spouse’s limitations as well. Make sure you explain your issues to your lawyer and insist on taking appropriate and necessary breaks in the process when you feel you need them.

2. Empathy

The ability to empathize with each other and to see things from your spouse’s point of view will increase the likelihood of a successful Collaborative Divorce process. Remember, you do not have to agree with each other, but it is helpful if you and your spouse are able to understand what the other person is feeling. Even more important is the ability of both of you to move from your own perspective and be able think and act as a team, especially when dealing with issues affecting the children. Here are some questions to help you gauge your ability to empathize with your spouse:

• Can you each explain the other person’s perspective on your relationship?
• Do you understand your spouse’s reasons for wanting or not wanting the divorce, even if you do not agree with their perspective?
• Do you understand how your spouse is feeling now?
• Do you know what do each of you need to feel emotionally safe and supported?
• Do you understand what your children are feeling?
• What are you and your spouse doing to make sure that your children feel emotionally safe and supported?

If you feel that you or your spouse has little or no capacity for empathy, it may have a lot to do with how safe or understood you feel.  People empathize better when they feel safe and understood, so take steps to make sure that systems are in place that meet your need for security and for being understood. People can, in certain circumstances, empathize better when there is some distance between them and their spouse or after some time has passed. If either you or your spouse still have difficulty feeling secure or understood, it may be that you need some personal therapy or divorce coaching, or, alternatively, that the Collaborative Divorce process is not right for you.

3. Ability to Think Clearly

Collaborative Divorce process requires you to understand and discuss complicated issues while sitting in the same room as your spouse. Emotions can often  run high. The fundamental question is whether, with the right kind of support, can you each think clearly enough to function and make decisions which may have far-reaching consequences? If you or your spouse get flustered easily, how quickly can you get over it if you have support? How easily can you or they process and incorporate new information? Here are some questions to help you gauge your ability to think clearly while engaged in the Collaborative Divorce process.

• How comfortable are you and your spouse with discussing with legal and financial issues?
• Have you thought about what your goals are regarding parenting arrangements and finances? Have you thought about what your spouses’ goals might be?
• Do you know how you arrived at deciding on these goals?
• Do you think you understand how your spouse decided on their goals?
• How easily do you and your spouse each assimilate new information? How easy is it for each of you to appropriately modify your goals, that is, how flexible are you?
• How do you best assimilate new information? (e.g. by reading it, by seeing it or hearing it)?
• Would either of you like meetings to be limited to two hours or so or can you both hold your focus for longer periods?
• Do either of you have physical disabilities, such as head injuries, or developmental disabilities which need to be taken into consideration in setting up four way meetings?

If either you or your spouse that your ability to think clearly under pressure clarity is weak, it can be helpful to take extra time to review complicated information, either by yourself or with your divorce coach or lawyer, between meetings. Make sure that that you feel free to ask any questions you may have, and that all relevant information is written down in the form of charts, maps or tables if you need it. Its your job to understand your limits and not to try to make decisions when you are stressed or tired.

4. Power Dynamics

Collaborative Divorce process asks a lot of both you and your spouse. You must be able to sit together in the same room, express your needs and point of view, and assert yourself. The degree that you or your spouse may feel powerless or victimized will play a role in your ability to effectively participate in the process. Here are some questions to help you assess the level of personal empowerment both you and your spouse may have.

• How do you feel about being in the same room as your spouse?

• Do each of you take at least some responsibility for the ending of the relationship?

• Have either of you experienced domestic violence or emotional abuse caused by the other?

• How long have you been married? How old were each of you when you got married? Do either of you, or both, have a history of living independently prior to your marriage?

• What are the power dynamics of your relationship? Who holds what kind of power?

• What are your fears going forward?

• Do you have any idea of what your spouse’s fears might be?

• Do you or your spouse tend to blame others for the difficulties you encounter in life?

If there have been significant power imbalances in your relationship with your spouse, make sure that you have enough supports in place to address these. Have a clear understanding of the type of power you wield, even if you haven’t been aware of it. If domestic violence was prevalent in your relationship with your spouse, the Collaborative Divorce process is inappropriate for you.

5. Integrity

For the Collaborative Divorce process to work, both you and your spouse must strive to “take the high road” and to have as honest and transparent discussions as possible. Both you and your spouse need to be able to maintain your personal boundaries, to hold on to your personal identity, and to keep in touch with your own needs and values while remaining aware of those held by your spouse.

Both you and your spouse should gauge your level of integrity before deciding to participate in the Collaborative Divorce process. Ask yourself these important questions:

• How are you and your spouse at keeping agreements, even when the going gets rough?
• To what extent is either of you addicted to anything? Do either of you struggle with alcohol or drugs?
• In what ways do you trust or distrust your spouse?
• Do you or your spouse keep secrets from the other?
• Have either you or your spouse had any extra-marital affairs?
• What are your goals for your divorce?
• How would you like your relationship with your spouse to be after your divorce?

If either your or your spouse’s integrity is an issue, it’s important that the two of you make sure that you have a clear written agreement about how you will handle the Collaborative Divorce process, what you both do and do not agree to, and what the consequences of failing to reach an agreement will be. Be realistic about what you are asking of yourself and of your spouse.

If It Is Possible to Settle With Your Spouse, Why Do You Need a Process?

This is an essential question to ask yourself. If you have a relatively amicable relationship with your spouse then one option is to negotiate a simple separation agreement or participate in mediation using a single lawyer. The success of a Collaborative Divorce depends on the couple being able to discuss topics directly, and if you can do that with your spouse, then perhaps you don’t need a special process to help you do it! 

They key is not to let lawyers corrode the negotiation process or the relationship with your spouse to the point where you’re locked into a battle with your spouse that you didn’t create. This is a basic pitfall of the divorce process – not having the strength to control the process and being vulnerable to feelings of suspicion and distrust of your spouse that can be exacerbated by the lawyers involved.   

Conclusion

The Collaborative Divorce process isn't for everyone but it is well worth considering if some or all of these are true for you:

• You want a civilized, respectful resolution of the issues.                             

• You want to lay the groundwork for a better future. There is no pain-free way to end a marriage, but by reducing stress, working in a climate of cooperation, and treating each other with respect, you hope that and your spouse can create an environment in which you and your children can thrive.

• You would like to keep open the possibility of friendship with your spouse down the road.

• You and your spouse will be co-parenting children together and you want the best co-parenting relationship possible.

• You want to protect your children from the harm associated with litigated between parents.

• You and your spouse have a circle of friends and extended family in common that you both want to remain connected to.

• You have ethical or spiritual beliefs that place high value on taking personal responsibility for handling conflicts with integrity.

• You value privacy in your personal affairs and do not want details of your family’s personal and financial issues to be available in the public court record.

• You value control and autonomous decision making and do not want to hand over decisions about restructuring your financial and/or child-rearing arrangements to a stranger (i.e. a judge).

•  You and your spouse both want to focus on settlement. By removing the threat of “going to court” you also reduce anxiety and fear, thereby helping both of you focus on finding positive solutions.

• You recognize the restricted range of outcomes generally available in the public court system, and want a more creative and individualized range of choices available to you and your spouse for resolving your issues. You know that you can negotiate a better settlement than you would achieve by going to court. Every family is unique and every family deserves a unique solution to the issues raised in a separation or divorce proceeding. The Collaborative Divorce process produces final agreements that are frequently more detailed and complete than any order that would be issued by a judge after a contested court proceeding.

• You place as much or more value on the relationships that will exist in your restructured family situation as you place on obtaining the maximum possible amount of money for yourself.

• You understand that conflict resolution with integrity involves achieving not only your own goals but finding a way to achieve the reasonable goals of your spouse.

• You want to get more value from your resources. The Collaborative Divorce process is usually less costly and time-consuming than litigation. When you reach an agreement, it can be finalized within a shorter time frame. You do not get bogged down for months while you wait for a court date.

Please note that this information is general in nature and not intended to be a substitute for legal advice. If you would like to know more about using a Collaborative Approach to negotiate n agreement with your spouse following the breakdown your marriage or common law relationship, please contact a lawyer. You can get free information about how to select and retain a lawyer by getting a copy of the FREE REPORT offered at the top right-hand corner of this page. Do not sign a separation agreement without independent legal advice.